For weeks I have been debating on whether or not to write this post. Finally, I have worked up the courage. I pray that sharing my experience will encourage someone, somewhere.
Here goes nothin'!
Since my freshman year of high school I have been "top-heavy." Unfortunately I was way more "blessed" than I would have liked to be in the chest area. For me, this was a big problem. I hated it! I am aware that most women who aren't quite as blessed do not understand why this was such a problem. Many of those women would say "I wish you would just give me a little of what you have!" I have always been polite, but in my head I have always been thinking "Lady, do you realize you are telling me you want to be miserable?" I never revealed to too many people just how much having large breast bothered me, but now I think it's time to tell the truth.
These are some pictures from the summer right after high school. I could NEVER find cute clothing that actually fit properly. Needless to say, shopping for clothes was exhausting.
I can recall MANY nights I would lay in my bed and cry. I felt like everyone was staring at my chest all the time. I desperaltely wanted to "fit in" with girls my age. None of my friends could really relate to my situation, which left me feeling all alone. I just wanted to be normal. As crazy as it sounds, I wanted nothing more than to wear a "normal" bra. I wore minimizing bras at all times because I felt that I needed to hide them as best I could. Along with a regualur bra I would wear a sports bra. I did everything I could to make them appear smaller. Now that I look back, I see just how sad my situation was.
Unfortunately, the appearance of my breasts was not the only difficulty I faced. I have a fairly small frame. I am 5'1and a 1/2 inch (yes, I cherish that half inch). Therefore, my body had a tough time supporting my "blessings." This, of course, resulted in never ending, excrutiating back pain. Any form of physical activity normally lead to me on the floor in tears. My back would lock-up and I would be in so much pain. I have always loved cheering, but many nights after practice I would have to start eating Ibprofen like candy. I was miserable.
So, when I was 17 I decided I wanted to have a breast reduction. My Mom had had one when I was in 8th grade and she seemed so much happier. I just wanted relief! My step-mom took me in for an appointment and a few weeks later I was approved by the insurance! I was unbelieveably excited. Unfortunately it never ended up working out. I was crushed, and to avoid another let down, I gave up on it for quite some time.
After I got engaged I made a decision. I decided that I did not want to feel self-conscious on my wedding day. I wanted to be able to get a gown I loved, not one I settled for. Once I had made this descion I started to feel nervous about the procedure. At the time I had never been put to sleep, and I had never had surgery. My mind starting filling with irrational fears of what could go wrong. Soon, I was considering not having it done. So, I started to pray. I prayed all the time asking God to reveal to me whether or not I should have this done. I believe that the Lord doesn't make mistakes when creating humans so I wrestled with essentially "changing" how he made me. Not long after I began to pray about my situation I was given an answer. I felt that the Lord was telling me he hated seeing me suffer and he would protect me through the procedure. That answer left me wanting even more confirmation. So, I saught the wise counsel of some of my mentors. Their answers left me feeling encouraged and ready to get the ball rolling! The whole process was so easy. The Lord really worked everything out in His way and His timing. I am one blessed princess.
My surgery was set. December 16th at 9:00am. To say I was nervous would be injustice. I was outright terrified. I spent so much time praying for my surgery and the doctors that would be working on me, and I still didn't feel much better! I finally started praying peace over myself and I became a little less consumed with what could go wrong.
The morning of my surgery I was given a Valium. It was suppose to calm me down and help me relax before surgery. Well, it definitely did something! I was hilarious (Don't worry, Mom caught it all on film and I am sure I will be embarrassed for many years to come). Finally I made it back to the operating room. As I was laying back, about to be put to sleep I decided to give some words of encouragement to my anastegeologist. I explained to him that I had been praying for him by name. He told me that was nice and went about his business. However, even in my "medicated" state (singing worship songs in the operating room!) I found so much confirmation in his next statement: "If you truly believe that God is in control, and you have prayed, then you just need to trust Dr. Willard and I. You'll be just fine." I felt so much comfort from those words and I still hang on to that sentence as the most vital piece of confirmation on getting the surgery done. I praise God for that.
People had told me before the surgery that waking up from being put to sleep wasn't scary at all. I, being the control freak I am, was most worried about this part. I was so terrified I wouldn't wake up because I wasn't in control of the going to sleep part!
Fortunately I did wake up :) and when I did I was so thankful to be done with what I precieved to be the hardest part. I was in no pain when I awoke (which was wonderful) and after dosing in and out for about an hour, I was allowed to go home. I, as well as my family, couldn't believe how much I had changed! I felt that my entire body looked so different.
Once I was home for a few hours I mustered up the courage to look at my wounds. I was a little shocked at first, but that shock soon disappeared. What most people don't know are the emotions that followed that shock.
I can't explain it, but I felt less than myself after my breast reduction. Somehow I felt less of a woman. I had identified myself for so long with perceptions and comments that others made regarding the size of my breast, and now the thing that I identified with was gone. I was normal, and for some odd reason this realization caused me to secretly cry whenever I was alone. In some odd way I felt that there was nothing to make me stand out in a crowd anymore, nothing to make people notice me. I had finally gotten what I had prayed for all along, and I was seemingly unhappy about it! I kept thinking this way and soon I began to see how silly I was acting. The normalcy of my breasts was not the only thing that bothered me in the coming days. It also seemed so strange to me that someone or something had invaded my body and took something. I can't even describe that feeling. For the first few days, although I told no one, I struggled with feelings of regret. Feeling this way was something I never expected, so it took me a while to work through those thoughts and realize that some feelings of regret were most likely normal after a procedure of that nature.
Thankfully, these feelings began to subside as I began to heal and become more mobile after surgery. I no longer struggle with those feelings. I have realized that I do not have to be identified with large breasts. I am Laurin, and now I am "Laurin with less!"
I can say that emotionally my Mom helped me the most during this process. She also helped physically and I would have been a basket case without her! She was great and encouraged me through the whole thing. She told me she was proud of me and reassured me that I was healing great and everything was normal. She was so very patient when I asked a ton of ridiculous questions at all hours of the day. I can honestly say I couldn't have done it without her. She still says that the cost of my surgery is the best money she has ever spent!
I was also so overwhelmed with the prayers that were said for me. I asked many people to pray for me and I definitely felt those prayers throughout the whole process. The Lord guided me EVERY step of the may. So, I want to say a BIG thank you to all of those who faithfully and relentlessly lifted me, and my doctors up in prayer. You will never know how much those prayers carried me through!
I also want to recognize my family and close friends. You all stood by me through every part. So many of my family waited patiently as I went through the surgery. I can never fully express how much that spoke to my heart. I felt so surrounded by love the whole time. However, they didn't stop there! Many of my family members and close friends came to see me once I arrived home and many of the family who could not be there (mainly George's family) called to check on me and even sent me things to help me after surgery! I am definitely one lucky girl!
Speaking of lucky...
George, the best fiance ever, stood by me day and night. My Mom and Grandma have told me how amazed and impressed they were with George's devotion to me during all of this. Mom said that he wouldn't leave my side. He would just lay or sit beside me on the couch while I slept and occupy his time with different things until I woke up to talk to him. Though this, I knew I would be well taken care of for the rest of my life. I can't describe how comforting it was to wake up and see his handsome face waiting to greet me, and hold my hand. He helped wait on me, and fulfilled every need (even the silly ones!). He got me anything and everything I wanted. His love was shown through his actions. I will never forget how loved and taken care of I felt during those first few days after surgery.
So, it has been over 3 months now and I am healing wonderfully. I feel so much better in every single way. I no longer have ANY feelings of regret. I totally stand by my decision. That is why I would like to encourage those of you who are going through many of the struggles I had to endure to take a look into breast reduction. I know how scary it is, but if you receive conformation from the Lord, have the surgery! Even though I had mixed emotions right after surgery, I now say it is quite possibly one of the BEST decisions I have ever made.
Here are the results!
Hopefully you can see the drastic difference from this photo. It's the best I could find!
I hope this post is encouraging because honestly, it took a lot of courage to write/post!
Thanks for reading!
Love, Laurin
